Ashes By Now
by Sister Golden Hair
Summary: His eyes narrowed in anger. "It'll be a cold day in hell before I could forgive my parents." He whispered, looking around at his friends.
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: First of all, I have to say, I own no one. This is just my story on how Squid's life was before CGL. Secondly, I know alot of people liked my story 'Hey Cinderella', but it just wasn't going anywhere for me. I've been planning this one for a long time, and I know how i want it to go. Okay, I think thats everything.

* * *

I didn't wanna do this. Really, I didn't. It all started as a part of Dr. Pendanski's project. He wanted one boy from each tent to tell his story to his roomates. Do I even have a story? Guess who got chosen from our tent? Your's truely, that's who. I didn't wanna do this, I swear to God. It's nobody's business how I lived my life before I came here. I have reason to do what I did. He told us about this stupid 'self-help project' weeks ago, and he told me that I would be the one doing all the talking. The other guys are looking forward to it. Hell, they get the whole day off. No wonder they're so excited. I, on the other hand, have to spill my entire life history to everyone else. No one knows about my life. Sure, they know my Mom's a drunk, and that my Dad went out to buy ice cream and never came back. But, that's all they know. Well, today, they'll learn it all. I wish I could make something up, or say I was sick, but Pendanski know's. He's read my file, and in my weekly sessions with him, he's heard some of it. Now, my whole tent's gonna really see what it's like being Alan Smith. Oh goody.


	2. Chapter One

Author's Note: Squid's Grandmother is gonna play a big part in this story. I thought I should put that, so there isn't any confusion. And, yes, he calls his parents "Momma" and "Daddy". If that bothers anyone, I'm sorry. I know lots of boys who call their fathers 'Daddy'. Maybe it's a Southern thing? Also, Caveman's already at CGL when this takes place.

* * *

The seven of us sat in Pendanski's office. Pendanki had his clipboard at ready, and the other's were looking excited. Probably because they didn't have to dig today. I know it took Dr. Pendanski nearly a month to talk the Warden into letting him do this. She didn't like the idea of us not digging, but he seems to think that this'll help us. Whatever. I still don't know why he chose me. What's so interesting about me, I wonder? Oh well. I'm here now, I better just make the best of it. I'd planned it out, and I was gonna teel it to the others like it was. I wasn't gonna leave anything out. But, still I was a little scared of showing any emotion, even though I knew we were the fourth tent to go. I was the fourth guy to tell his story. I don't like it. No sir, not at all.

"Okay, Alan, today's your day!" Pendanski told me. "Does anyone want anything before we start?"

"Got milk?" Zigzag asked, smiling slightly. He was making fun of the ad, and I couldn't help but snicker to myself. At least Zig still had some smiles and laughter to carry around, as well as the tears and rage. Secretly, I hoped he had enough for all of us.

"Haha, Ricky. When we take a break, I'll get you some." Pendanski replied. He turned to me. I was sitting Indian Style on one of the two sofa's he had. X-Ray and Armpit sat next to me. The other guys were on the other couch, or on chairs. "Ready, Alan?"

"I guess." I muttered. I folded my arms under my chest, the way my Granny did when she was setting to hunker down behind an attitude or thought. "I don't know how to begin."

"Begin any place you want."

I shrugged. "No place comes to mind."

"Do you remember the first time your parents had a really big fight?" Zig asked. "I mean, an all out slam-bam?"

"Maybe he didn't have a father right off the bat." Magnet suggested in his most arrogant voice.

I spun on him.

"I had a father." I snapped. "My Momma and Daddy had a real wedding and all, too. In a church!"

Magnet shrugged. "So did mine. You see all the good it's done me? Now, look where I am."

I stared at him for a moment, then looked at the others. Each boy seemed to have the same desperate and lost look in his eyes. It occured to me, that despite all our differences, we each had our own way of saying "Once upon a time". I guessed I could find mine.

"There's no beginning. I don't know if there was ever a time when there wasn't some trouble between my Momma and Daddy." I started. "Sure, I saw 'em be sweet to each other sometimes, but that was like waiting on the raimbows after a storm. Sometimes the rainbows came, but most of the time they didn't. I think it got to where I was surprised to hear them talk to one another with out it ending in a fight.

"I've heard people say that sometimes couples get divorced because of money problmes. Well, that wasn't the main cause of my parents break up, but it didn't help that Daddy didn't make much money and was out of work alot. He was a painter and carpenter mostly but he could do other types of work. He was helpful everywhere but around his own house. When he did work, he worked long hours. I think he had a good reputation as far as that goes, but he didn't belong to any unions or anything, and he wasn't part of a company that guarenteed him regular work. So there were long periods of time when it was real hard for us. My Momma ain't what you'd call an efficient housewife. I don't even know if Daddy would call her a housewife at all. He had other names for her, and none of 'em were very nice.

"My Daddy was a handsome man, really tall, like six feet four. Anyone would take one look at him, and think that he was a ballplayer in school, but he always told me that he was too slow for sports. He said his problem was that he thought everything out before he did it. He said he liked being precise and that helps him in his carpentery.

"Momma, she was completely different. She never thinks much before she does something. Most of the time, I don't think she thinks at all. She just does what she wants, when she wants. They got into alot of fights about that. Daddy said that her brain was like a house without any doors. Things just came and went without any direction. She'd say she was bound to be on old age Social Security before he did anything worthwhile. Granny used to call them Oil and Water.

"They probably shouldn't have even got married, but she was already pregnant with me. The way daddy talked, I thought he blamed her for all the hard times because of it. If she complained, he was sure to remind her that she was the one who got pregnant. He talked like men could get knocked up too, but had the good sense not too."

"My Mother would like that." X-Ray said. "She'd love to see my Dad have labour pains and morning sickness. She's says that if males could have kids, the human race would be an endangered spiecies."

Pendanski smiled, and evryone else kind of laughed. It made me feel better about talking, but I still hesitated, and glanced at Dr. Pendanski for some encouagment before I started to talk about my Momma.

It wasn't because I was ashamed of her, which I had every right to be. Momma had done so many things to make me wanna stick my head in the sand. It used to be so that I was ashamed to meet any of my friends in public when I was with momma. Not only was there no telling of what she would do or say, but she normally had bloodshot eyes and smelled like One Eyed Sam's Bar and Grill, which was down the street from our apartment in Austin. There was a barstool in that place that practically had her name sewn on it. I heard that if she came in and someone was sitting on it, he or she would get up and find another place to sit-or they would stand.

When I was just four, Daddy would send me down there to get her, if he came home from work and discovered she wasn't home. I hated going, but I knew that if he went, they'd get into a fight that would turn physical. Daddy would even get into a fight with another bar customer who felt he had to protect momma, or had been flirting with her and wanted to show off.

Sometimes, it took me so long to get her to leave and come home with me, I'd start to cry. This normally made her mad, because the other barflies would make fun of her and tell her to go. There was nothing my Momma hated worse when she was drinking than being told what to do. It was lighting the wick on a stick of dynamite. She'd fume and fume, and then explode and she'd get real nasty. She might take a swing at Daddy, or me, for that matter. When my little brother Ronnie was a baby, I'd have to worry about him crawling around on the kitchen floor because there still might be pieces of glass from a plate she'd thrown across the room.

But, my hestitaion to talk about her came from another place. Despite what I told everyone, I hated hating Momma. Mixed with all the bad memories were good ones. There were times when she had held me, and sung to me, and kissed me. She used to call me her Precious, and she dreamed big dreams for me. All those memories were planted in my heart, right along with the bad ones, and I couldn't help but feel like I was betraying them when I told about the bad things.

For now, though, that seemed to be what Dr. Pendanski wanted me to do. From the way he talked about it, holding the bad down was like trying to keep poison in your body.

"I can't remember exactly when my Momma started drinking," I began. "But it was always alot, and it was always bad, especially for me and my brother, Ronnie."

They all lost their smiles, and their eyes became hard and cold like the eyes of those that had already seen bad things, and would probably see more. Even just thinking about the begininng stages of it, made me remember myself as a four year old child again, brought back all the demons, and the monsters I thought I'd gotten rid of.

Those monsters were dormant inside me now, but they could be nudged by the sound of someone shouting, by the sight of some poor little kid, playing alone in the gutter because his Mother was neglecting him, or merely by the sound of someone crying in the darkness, someone as alone as I was.

"When I think back now, it seems that there was always alot of drinking going on. Momma smelled from it so much, I used to thik it was her perfume." I said.

Caveman laughed.

"Of couse, I wasn't very old when I thought that. Sometimes, when Daddy sent me to One Eyes Sam's, she would just let me stand by the door, and pretend she didn't know me. I was afriad to call to her, because that would just make her mad. Finally, she'd look at Sam, and say 'My ball and chain's home from work', and they'd all laugh and tease her, and she'd blame me.

"'Why'd he have to send you, huh?' She'd snap at me.

"'He wants you to come home and make us some supper, Momma.' I'd tell her and she'd shake her head and mimic me.

"She'd stare at herself in the mirror behind in the bar for a few minutes, before she'd finish her beer, then she'd take some wobbly steps.

"'What's for dinner, Caroline?' Someone would shout.

"'My heart!' She'd scream back and whoever had yelled it would laugh and laugh. 'Go on, get outta here,' Momma'd tell me. 'You've made enough trouble for me.'

"I'd wait for her on the sidewalk. Sometimes, she came right out, and other times, I'd have to go back in for her, because she'd start up drinking again. Usually she wouldn't say much on the way home, but when she did talk, it was always a string of complaints.

"'The man who calls herself your father promised me easy street.,' She'd claim. 'He said we'd live in a nice house in a nice neighbourhood. and I'd have a yard with a garden in it, like my Momma does. Not some rat-hole four room dump, that doesn't even pay to clean. You wipe the dust off a table, and it floats right back. I told him why bother with it, the last time he complained about my house keeping.'

"She'd stop and look at herself in a store window, and make a small effort to fix her hair or straighten her outfit. It was funny, but no matter what happened between her and Daddy, Momma always wanted to be pretty for him.

"Momma's about five feet six. No matter how much she drank, she never seemed to lose her figure. She didn't get those big hips some women seem to get when they drink alot. Daddy would say that the booze all went to her head and soaked up in her brain. I always thought Momma was pretty, and was only ugly when she was really drunk. Her lower lip sags and her eyes seem to droop. Daddy used to say he couldn't even look at her when she was like that, and one time, when they were having an all out fight, he put a pillowcase over her head, and tied it at the neck so that she spun around flinging her arms and kicking like an animal or something."

Caveman's mouth was wide open. Magnet look like he could throw up, and Zig just bit his lower lip and glanced at Dr. Pendanski. It occured to me that their parents probably only threw nasty words and insults at each other, probably mostly through their expensive attorneys, if they even fought at all. They probably couldn't imagine their parents trying to do each other physical harm. The things I was telling and about to tell, they'd only seen on T.V. or in the movies.

"That wasn't the worst thing," I said, "but my Daddy was generally an easy going kinda man."

"You call that easy going?" Magnet asked, snidely.

"I don't ever remember him lifting his hand to me or Ronnie. It was just that, when my Momma got so drunk that she slobbered and called him dirty names, he lost control, that's all.

"Once, when I still about four, I remember him trying to scare her by smashing a plate. She went even wilder on him, scooping up scaucers, and cups, glasses, and bowls out of the cabinets, sending them every which way, and screaming 'You wanna see something break, Dennis Smith? I'll show you something break!'

"The only way he could make her stop was to wrap his arms around her and hold her down. She tried kicking him and even tried to lower head enough to bite him. She'd bitten him before, but he was a strong man, and he lifted her up and carried her to their bedroom. He had to literally sit on her for almost two hours before she fianlly passed out.

"When he came out of the bedroom, he had scratches on his arms and his neck, some that were still bleeding, I was so scared, I couldn't move. In fact," I glanced at Dr. Pendanski. "I think I peed my pants."

They were all staring at me like I was something from outer space, probably because this was the most truth I'd ever shown. _'You asked for it,_' I thought. _'Well, I'll give it to you.'_

"I had that problem for a long time after I was supposed to. Momma even took me to the doctor and he told her it was all in my head. She got mad and called him stupid, because it was in my underwear, not in my head. He said I needed to see a psychiatrist, and Momma called him nuts, and she drug me out of there fast, screaming that she wasn't gonna pay no quack a red cent. She vowed she'd cure me, and her way was to force me to wear the wet underwear, even when Daddy complained about the smell."

"Ugh." Magnet moaned, sitting back in his set. "That's sick! Can I get a glass of water or something, Mom?"

"Sure. How about the rest of you?" He smiled at Zig. "Still want milk?"

"No thanks." He said, looking like he was trying to hold down his breakfast. "I'll just take some water, too."

"Okay, let me get us a pitcher of ice water." Dr. Pendanski said, standing up. Zero and Caveman both needed to use the bathroom, so they followed him out. When they returned, Pendanski smiled and nodded at me. I guess he did want me to shake our group up a bit. He poured everyone a glass and told me to continue.

"Right before I turned five, Momma discovered she was pregnant again." I said. "I thought she was never going to have another baby, because she kept from getting pregnant for so long. I didn't know it until later, but Momma had been pregnant before. She lost the baby when I was only two, lost it in the bathtub."

The others froze in anticipation of me describing how. I thought about it for a few moments and decided not to. When I moved on to describe the next pregnacy instead, they all looked relieved. It almost made me laugh out loud. I was starting to enjoy their looks of shock or disgust. It was almost fun for me.

Dr. Pendanski could see it too, and shot me a look that told me he knew what I was up to. I quickly tried to wipe the smug smile off my face.

"For a little while, Momma cleaned up her act. Daddy got steady work and we had some extra money to do things together. We went to Six Flags, and to the Aquarium. We even took a trip to see Daddy's cousin, Kenny, out in San Diego, and we went to the zoo while we were there.

"Momma was pretty big by that time Sometimes, Ronnie'd kick her stomach and she'd let me feel it. I kept thinking about how much fun it would be to have a baby brother to help out with. I didn't realize just how much I'd end up helping as I got older."

"Alot?" Armpit asked.

I stared at him for a second.

"Sometimes he confused who was his Momma and who was his big brother."

"That's sad" X-Ray said. "Making you do that when you were just a little kid."

"Yeah, well, that's the way the cookie crumbles." I muttered, and he looked away. I knew that he knew I didn't want any pity.

"When Momma was in her seventh month, Daddy got laid off again and we had to watch every penny. Momma hated that. It made her even more wasteful, just for spite. I guess it was just her way of telling Daddy he better find work fast. She wasn't going to deny herself her ciggarettes, or occasional beer.

"One night, right after that, while Daddy was out trying to find work, she went off to One Eyed Sam's. When he came home, and found me alone, he went into this huge rage, almost ripping the door off it's hinges on his way out. I was surprised he didn't send me to fetch her, but she was pregnant wasn't supposed to be drinking at all.

"At One Eyed Sam's, a man came between her and Daddy, and the police had to come. I'll never forget that," I said, looking down at the floor. The memory put ice around my heart for a second.

"I was sitting on the couch, watching a rerun of 'Three's Company', and looking out the door every few minutes, scared of what Momma would be like when they came home, when I heard a knock. I saw a policewoman and a policeman. The policeman was black. He knew my name, and told me that they'd come to see if I was alright. Daddy told them I was there. He told me I had to come with them for awhile, and I shook my head and started to cry. I even tried to run away from them and hide, but they caught me and made me go with them. I remember thinking that I was being arrested because I'm Momma's son, and she was so bad."

I took a deep breath and looked up. The six other boys were looking at me, not daring to take a breath.

"They kept me in a room, and gave me hot chocolate and cookies, while we waited to find out what would happen to Momma and Daddy. She'd torn up some of the bar, too, but One Eyed Sam didn't press charges, and Daddy was released on a pending court apperance. The other guy didn't show up, so they dropped all the charges on him. It was enought to put a little scare in Momma.

"She behaved herself for a while after that, and then Ronnie was born in the bathroom."

"What did you say?" Magnet asked immediately. His head spun around at me so fast, I thought it might keep going around and around on his neck.

"Daddy wasn't home." I continued, ignoring him. "It was in the early afternoon, and I had just walked home from the bus stop. I was in the first grade by then. I came into the apartment and called for Momma like I always did, but she didn't answer. At first, I thought she wasn't home. Then, I heard her scream from the bathroom. I ran in there and what I saw nailed my feet to the floor. She was on the floor, and I could see the baby coming. She was yelling at me to go call nine-one-one for help. I saw so scared, I started crying. I couldn't help it, but she kept yelling, so I finally went and did what she said. I told the operator that my Momma was having a baby on the bathroom floor. I was giving her our address, when I heard Ronnie cry. I hung up with the operator, and ran in the bathroom. Momma was lying on the floor, with Ronnie on her stomach, but there was blood, and afterbirth, and......"

"Oh God, do we have to listen to this?" Magnet asked, twisting his face into a grimace of disgust.

Zero looked a shade whiter than milk. X-Ray's mouth was hanging open so wide, I could practically see his breakfast. Ther other guys were just staring at me in silence, looking sick.

"I don't want to upset you, Jose, but you have to understand what Alan's life was like. If it was you, I wouldn't want you to hold back, for fear of upsetting someone." Pendanski said softly.

"Like I'd have something that sick to tell." Magnet replied, not bothering to correct Pendanski for calling him by his real name. "This is just.........gross."

"What might not be disagreeable to you, could be to Alan."

"Oh please."

"Why don't you just put your fingers in your ears?" I snapped at him. He looked like he was going to say something, but held off.

"Just finish telling us what happened, Alan." Pendanski coaxed at me.

"She asked me to get her a towel, and I did. Then, I got her some hot water, and we just waited. The paramedics came and finished off Ronnie's birth, but they took them both to the hospital anyway. Granny came and stayed with me, and finally Daddy showed up to see Ronnie and Momma. She was okay, but madder than hell at him for not being there. They had a fight, right there in the hospital, Daddy trying to defend himself, Momma screaming about how she almost died giving birth to his youngest son.

"Right from the start, she made it sound like Ronnie was only his, and she was just delivering him. That was when she started blamed Daddy for all the work and problems, right then and there. The nurse had to ask them to stop yelling.

Momma and Ronnie stayed only that one night. I went home with Granny and she brought me back the next morning. It was one thing to see Ronnie behind the window at the hospital, but another to see him in the little crib beside Momma and Daddy's bed. I thought just the sight of him was a wonder. His head didn't look much bigger than one of my rubber balls and when he cried, he lifted his little, puffy arms and waved his tiny fist in the ait, like he was looking for someone to punch. I would stand there for long periods of time, just watching him sleep, then wake up and take a tiny breath before screaming.

"From the way Granny talked about the baby, I thought we'd all magically be one happy family, but it didn't work that way. Momma only complained more and more. Daddy got new work, but he wasn't making enough money to satisfy her. When they fought and shouted at each other, she'd blame him for Ronnie, claiming he was the one who wanted a second child. She talked like she didn't even want him, and I'd look at my baby brother and wonder how someone, espically his own Momma, wouldn't want him.

"He was a colicky baby. Nothing seemed to help. He did cry alot and Momma would rage around the apartment, complaining that doctors didn't know anything, and that she'd go insane listening to it. She made Daddy get up with Ronnie every night, no matter how early he he had to work the next morning. When she saw I could help, really help, could hold Ronnie saftly, change his diaper, put him to sleep, and feed him his bottle, she depended on me more and more. She started to keep me home from school, even. The traunt officer came by, and when he saw I wasn't really sick, he said he'd turn Momma in, and they'd take me away from her.

"I heard her mumble, 'Take them both.'

"Maybe she said it because she was mad, but it still hurt. It burnt into my brain, and I thought it might really happen. I had trouble sleeping and every time someone knocked on the door, I was sure they'd come for me. Granny came by as often as she could, but her and Momma got into fights about the way Momma cleaned, and took care of us. Ske knew Momma was drinking again, too.

"By this time, Momma was hiding booze all over the house. She was driking vodka, because it didn't smell as bad. She hid it in shampoo bottles and even in the hot water bottle she kept in the closet. For months, Daddy didn't have any idea about it, then she started getting sloppy about hiding it, and he would find half empty glasses of orange or cranberry juice. He'd taste it and know what she'd put in there.

"When he complained, she screamed about how hard her life was, taking care of an infant and a small child. Of course, she always brought up money problmes, and then he'd accuse her of wasting what little we did have, and the cycle would start all over again. She's say she drank to stay sane, and he's say if she was sane, he didn't know what crazy meant anymore.

"I'd come home from school, and find Ronnie in dirty diapers. I could tell from the rashes on his legs and bottom, that he'd been like that all day long. That, of couse, made him scream and cry more, which drove her to the bottle more. She got so that she could sleep right through his wailing. I guess she passed out rather than slept. I'd find her like that everywhere, in the kichen, in the bathroom, sometimes on the floor of her bedroom."

"She should've been locked up." Magnet said.

I stared at him for a long moment, then looked at the window at the bright sunlight. Maybe Magnet was right, but it still hurt to hear someone else say it. There were alot of worse things in this life that could, and maybe would happen to me, but hating my Momma seemed to be at the top of that list.


	3. Chapter Two

Author's Note: Thank's to my first reviewer's! You guys are great!!!!

* * *

I took a deep breath and stared around. Everyone was practically on the edge of their seats. I felt like I was on a talk show or something.

"I know, I know. My life could be a soap opera, right?" I said, trying to smile, but failing. Nobody answered, they all just looked at the ceiling, the floor, out the window.....anywhere but at me. I shrugged, but continued.

"When Ronnie started to crawl, and then to stand, things just got worse. He was a curious baby from the start and would get into things in an instant. One afternoon, when I was in the second grade, I came home and found him alone. Momma had left him while she went out to buy a six pack. I guess he was asleep when she left and she thought he'd be okay. I didn't know it then,. but she'd left him alone alot of times before that, and once, when she was with her friend Angie Carsons, they left him in Angie's car and a police officer saw it, and almost arrested her.

"Anyway, this time Ronnie woke up, crawled out of the cot bed we had for him and went looking for her. He wondered into the bathroom where Momma had left some of his rubber toys in the tub. It's a good thing there wasn't any water in the tub or he'd a drowned for sure. He managed to fall into it when he tried to get his toys. He hit his head on the faucet, I guess. At first I thought Momma had taken him out with her because it was so quiet, but when I went in the bathroom, I nearly jumped out of my skin. There he was, lying on his back, his eyes wide. I found out later on that head wounds bleed alot, but at the time it turned my heart into stone. I just saw all that blood around his little head and started screaming. I was familiar with calling nine-one-one by now. I told the operator that my little brother had fallen and put a hole in his head. It didn't turn out to be that bad, but Ronnie did need ten stitches.

"The paramedics were there before Momma returned. She met one of her barfly friends who had talked her into a drink at One Eyed Sam's and she just forgot how much time went by, or so she claimed.

"The paramedics took Ronnie to the emergency room, and a doctor sewed him up. The paramedics wanted to know everything, while a policeman went to get Momma. I had to tell them what happened and they looked really mad. When Momma arrived, she was fit to be tied that I'd called them, because they pulled her aside and gave her a what-for that spun her eyes around. They threatened to call the DCFS and have both of us taken from her if she let anything like this happen again. They even told her she could go to jail for endangering the life of a infant.

"After we got home, Momma started in on me. Daddy came home in the middle of it, saw Ronnie, and heard enough bits and pieces to realize what happened. I think he knew about some of the other times, but he didn't get as mad as I expected. Instead, he got all quiet and this weird mood came over him. It was like he was a clam or something, and just closed his shell. He looked at me and at Ronnie, then just sat staring at Momma with these glazed eyes, while she went on and on like some worn cd, repeating her complaints, and making the same excuses for herself.

"'Who do they think they are, huh? Calling me a bad Mother, just because I stepped out for a moment! Who knew he'd get up and walk himself to the bathroom, and fall in the tub, huh? I'm no fortune teller. I was coming right back. He was asleep! Who are they, reading me the riot act, huh?

"'Why're you just sitting there, staring into space, Dennis? What's this act suppose to be? You trying to make me feel bad? You know what it's like, being stuck here all day with a baby? I'm talking to you. I'm looking at you and talking to you.'

"Daddy just stayed quiet for a minute. Then, still looking dazed, he got up and headed for the door, muttering something about getting some ice cream. I remember hoping he got mint chocolate chip, because that's my favorite. Momma just stood there as he walked out, with her hands on her hips. He closed the door softly behind him.

"She turned to me, and said, 'Did you see that? Huh? Did you?' My heart was thumping like a drum. I couldn't speak or even swallow. 'Of all the nerve......Well, good riddance to you too!' She screamed at the door. Then, she opened it, stuck her head out, and screamed it again, but he was already out of the building.

"I saw my Daddy only once after that."

"Saw him only once? What do you mean? He just left you and Ronnie for good?" Magnet asked, practically jumping out of his seat.

It was funny, but while I was telling them about it, I forgot they were there. Something like this had happened before, but only with Pendanski. My memories would get so thick, they'd block out the present, where I was and what I was doing. I felt like I'd fallen back and was really there again. I saw Momma's angry face. It was so vivid in my mind, her bloodshot eyes, her mouth twisted, her shoulders up, making her look like some wild bird.

Whenever she went into one of her ranting, my stomach would close like a fist, and my breath would catch in my throat, making me feel like I could choke on air. Retelling these bad memories would put me back into that state of mind, and I wouldn't snap out of it till my lungs screamed. I'd blink alot, and realize where I was and I'd be grateful I wasn't back then.

That's how I felt when Magnet blurted his question at me. I looked at him for a few moments, without realizing who he was, or where I was. His face got all twisted with confusion.

"Why doesn't he answer me, Mom?" Why is he just staring at me like that?" I heard him ask.

"Alan?" Dr. Pendanski said. "Alan?"

That's my name, I thought. I heard him, but it sounded like he was at the other end of a long tunnel.

"Mom?" Zigzag said. "He looks like he's drugged or something."

"He'll be alright, boys. Relax now. Don't let him feel your panic. Alan?"

"Alan, honey?" Granny was calling to me. "You gotta go to school, child, or they won't let you stay here with me. You know what that judge told us. Get up now, baby. C'mon, child. Wake up. Your eyes are open, Alan. Wake up!"

I felt my body shake.

"Alan, come on, now. You're not there; you're here. Here with us." Dr. Pendanski said. My face felt cool. He was dabbing me with a wet napkin.

"That's it. You'll be fine, Alan. Come on. Stay with us."

He took my shoulder and squeezed it gently. My eyelids were fluttering like butterflies in a panic and then they slowed and I looked into the eyes of Dr. Pendanski. They were moving over my face like two tiny searchlights. He smiled.

"There you are. You're fine." He said.

I looked at the others. They were all staring at me, each of them looking more shocked and scared then the next.

"What is it?" I asked, confused.

"Nothing. You just drifted off a bit, that's all." Dr. Pendanski said. "It's no big deal. No problem. You're fine. Here, take some water." He said, offering me my glass. I sipped some and took a deep breath.

"I forgot what I was saying." I said. My memories were all jumbled, like the letters in a can of alphabet soup.

Dr. Pendanski smiled and sat back in his seat.

"Well, you were just telling us about the time your father got up and left the house." He said. He made it sound like it was another part of my story, nothing to serious. His voice had a calming effect.

I nodded.

"He didn't even say good-bye." I whispered.

"That's right." Dr. Pendanski replied, like he had been there with me.

The other boys were still staring at me, their eyes so still they looked like glass.

"Why're you guys looking at me like that?" I snapped. Magnet smirked and sat back.

"He's fine." He said. "He can go on and on."

"It's not that easy." X-Ray told him. "Just because he's gotten this far doesn't mean it's easy, and you'd probably have problems too."

"Don't tell me how it might've been for me!" Magnet fired back at him.

"I'm just trying to be....."

"What? Another Pendanski? One's enough." Magnet quipped and turned away.

"Well. At least we're not boring one another." Dr. Pendanski said. Magnet made some noise under his breath. "Try to go on, Alan. Tell them the rest of it."

Magnet turned his head towards me slowly, waiting to see what I'd do. Almost for spite, I continued.

"I just saw him once after that. I didn't speak to him. I was on my way home from school. It was just starting to rain and I saw him coming out of our building carrying some of his things and walking towards his truck. I sped up and called his name. I know he heard me, because he stopped for a second, but he didn't turn his head. He just started walking again. He looked down at the sidewalk until he reached his truck.

"I was running by now, thinking maybe he didn't know it was me calling, but I couldn't get to him before he started his truck and pulled away from the curb. With all my might, I shouted.

"'Daddy! Daddy!' I stopped when my lungs felt ready to burst, my ribs aching, and I watched him drive down the street and disappear around the corner. The rain was coming down really hard by then, so I had to go inside. You couldn't tell the difference between my tears and the raindrops on my face."

"What happened to him? Where did he go?" Caveman asked, his eyebrows knitted with concern.

"Momma heard stories that he was with another woman, and that he headed out to California, but I don't know if the stories were just gossip, or what."

"Your father just picked up and left you and Ronnie? Is that what you're telling us?" Magnet asked, sounding skeptical.

"He wasn't the first husband and Daddy to do that." I told him, glaring.

"Isn't that against the law?" Magnet asked Dr. Pendanski. "What his father did?"

"Well, Alan's father would be considered what we call a dead-beat Dad, and yes, what he did is against the law." He replied. "There's even a federal law against it now."

"Did your Mother have him arrested?" Armpit asked, leaning towards me.

"She went to the welfare office and reported it, so she could get some money, but it wasn't at the top of anyone's list. It wasn't exactly high priority."

"What a jerk." Magnet muttered. I supposed he was talking about my Daddy.

"My Momma ain't exactly an angel." I said. His eyebrows lifted.

"Why? What happened to her?"

"Why don't you give him a chance to tell it his own way?" Zigzag asked Magnet.

"I'm sorry." He said. "It just makes me......mad."

I widened my eyes.

"It doesn't exactly put joy in my heart either, you know." I said.

Magnet's lips stretched into a tight smile. Damned if I knew whether to like him or hate him.

"For a long time, I expected Daddy to come home, even after I saw him that last time. I never told Momma that I saw him, because she'd just get mad. After awhile, I began to wonder if I really had seen him, or if I'd imagined it out of hope. Whenever the phone would ring, I would hope it was him calling, but it never was. Momma would swear up one side and down the other, that if he came home, she wouldn't have him back, but I knew she would.

"Granny started to spend more and more time with us soon after that. She lived on the other side of the city so it was a trip for her. When I'd go see her, I'd have to ride the Big Blue Bus for nearly two hours to make the right connections and you know the buses don't run that often.

"Over the next three years, I got so I ran to Granny every so often because I couldn't stand coming home from school, and finding Momma drinking, Ronnie still in his pajamas, and the house looking like ten slobs lived in it. Granny knew why I came to her house in the afternoon sometimes, but she didn't harp on it. She had tried and tried with Momma, but she'd finally just threw up her hands and declared 'My Caroline's just one of them people that has to help themselves, because they won't let no one else do it for them.'

"'Your Momma will wake up facedown in the gutter one day, then maybe she'll decide to help herself.', Granny told me.

"She told it to me so often, I started to wish for it, wish I'd come home from school and find her lying out in the street. I guess it don't say much for you, when you wish your Momma would hit rock bottom sooner than later, but that's how it was for me, and I'm not ashamed of praying for it.

"That's right." I said, before anyone could gasp or ask a stupid question. "I did pray for it. I went to bed every night, praying to God that he'd bring Momma as close to hell as he could.

"Yeah, I did get to where I hated her. It was like a rat of hate, nawing at my heart. I probably always will hate her." I declared firmly.

No one said a word. It was as if they were in freeze frame, not a movement, not a breath.

"Not having Daddy there was like letting a dog off a leash as far as Momma was concerned. She didn't have to worry about him coming back and catch her anymore.She didn't care about how the house looked anymore, either, because he wasn't there to complain. It was like she was getting even with him, like she was saying 'You thought I was a no good slob before? Well, look at me now.'

"As I reached middle school, I stayed home from school more often, because by the time I finished taking care of Ronnie, I'd have missed the first two classes anyway. Then, Momma went and did the worst thing she could do. She got a job at One Eyed Sam's waitressing tables and helping out in the kitchen.

"By then, I was able to cook for me and Ronnie. I cleaned the house the best I could, and I did most of the chores. That's why I said earlier that Ronnie didn't know who was his Momma and who was his brother.

"I guess no matter how bad your life is, you get used to it. Of course, I knew other boys my age didn't have this kinda life. Oh, they helped out with their younger siblings, but their little brothers and sisters didn't become their children. They still thought about girls, and parties, and going to the movies with their friends. You know, having fun. I couldn't think of anything without Ronnie being a part of it. I didn't have a night off, so to speak. I didn't dare bring anyone home with me. I didn't want my friends to know just how bad it really was.

"Then," I said, taking a sip of water, and thinking for a minute. "Then, I got so I could live through their stories. Their lives became my life. It was easier to pretend, to imagine my name was Luke Potter or Cameron Davidson, and in my mind go home to their homes and live with their families.

"You're all looking at me like I was crazy, and maybe I was for a while. Mom say's I'm not crazy now."

"No one's crazy here, Alan. It's a useless, meaningless word." He replied, glancing at the others as he said it.

"Yeah, maybe. I sure wasn't in my right mind when I did some stuff." I paused. "Some of this, I haven't even told you, Mom.

"Whenever I met someone I didn't know, I'd give them a phony name, one of the guys I envied and I'd talked about their lives, and their homes and families like they were my own.

"A couple of times, I went to Cameron Davidson's house, walked up the sidewalk and right to the front door, pretending I was coming home. One time, I nearly got caught doing it. His older sister, Carri, came up behind me without me realizing it and asked me what I was doing.

"'I was just gonna see if your brother was home.' I said. She looked at me sideways because she knew I knew that her brother was on the football team and would be at practice. I made believe that I forgot and walked away quickly. Cameron asked me about it the next day, and I just said I had some time to kill, and was in his neighbourhood. He didn't believe me, and they all started looking at me funny.

"I couldn't help it. I wanted their lives so bad, I'd follow their Mother's around the supermarket, pretending I was with them, buying food.

"You think I'm really pathetic, don't you?" I asked Magnet.

"No." He replied. "Really." He added, when I looked skeptical. "I can understand, not wanting to be yourself. I've felt like that alot of times."

"Me too." Zig said, scuffing his boots on the floor.

"Yeah," Zero whispered, so low I almost didn't hear him. "So have I." He looked like he meant it more than any of us. _How could his story be any worse than mine?_ I wondered.

"There's more." I said, now willing to tell it all. "One time, I hurt my ankle in gym class and the teacher sent me back to the locker room to get dressed. I noticed that Cameron's locker wasn't locked, so I opened it and took his Adidas shirt."

"Why?" Caveman asked.

"To wear at home, in my room. I pretended I was him and I lived in a nice house with a real mother and father. His Daddy works for the city, some kind of traffic manager. He makes good money, and his mother always looks stylish. They come to his football games and video record them. He's about my size too, so the shirt fit good."

"What happened when he found out that his shirt was missing?" Zigzag asked. "Did they accuse you?"

"No. They teacher made everyone open their lockers and he looked in them."

"How come they didn't find it in yours? Where did you hide it?"

"I didn't put it in my locker. I told you I wanted to take it home, so I hid it in my pant leg. I knew no one would look there. They just thought someone had come into the locker room and took it. Things like that had happened before. Cameron had to wear his gym shirt the rest of the day, though.

"About a month later, I brought it back and left it on a bench near his locker. Everyone thought it was weird. It was weird." I addmitted.

"No it wasn't." Zero piped up. Everyone looked at him and he didn't bother hiding his face this time.

"Why not?"

"I didn't want to be in someone else's clothes; I wanted to be in their bodies." He confessed.

Everyone was quiet. The air felt so heavy and even with the lights on, a thick shadow seemed to hang over us. Dr. Pendanski rose.

"I guess I'll see about some lunch. It getting close to that time." He looked at me. "You'll continue after we eat?"

I nodded and he left us. As soon as he had, Magnet turned to me.

"Sorry I was so nasty to you before." He said. and before I could reply, he added. "And I'm not trying to give you any pity, so don't get pissed."

"I'm not." I told him. "I guess we could all you some pity now and then, just as long as we don't depend on it. My Granny says, if you wait around on pity, you'll miss the train to happiness."

They all smiled, even Zero. Everyone looked more comfortable.

"Your Granny sounds like a wise old lady." Magnet commented.

"She is. Well, I guess I'm hungry." I said. "At least we get a good lunch out of this, if nothing else. I hope I didn't spoil anyone's appetite."

"Not mine!" Armpit blurted, then put his hand on his mouth.

I laughed and it felt good, like the sunshine after one of those storms Granny was always waiting on.


	4. Chapter Three

As we ate the frozen pizza Pendanski fed us, the other boys asked him about his life. It occured to me that I never wondered about him much. He was always just sort of......._there._

"Well, my parents divorced when I was ten. My younger sister, Edie, and I lived with our father. Our mother wanted it that way." He told us, passing me another piece of pizza.

"How come?" Armpit asked.

Zero looked up with intrest, probably just as eager to know more about the man who was supposed to be helping us find ourselves.

"She was more into her career than into being a wife and mother. I suppose that's what contributed to their divorce in the first place, not that I'm suggesting that she couldn't or shouldn't have a career."

"Where did you grow up?" Magnet asked, sipping some of the root-beer Pendanski had gave us. (Wow, pizza and soda! All in the same day!)

"My family had a manor about twenty miles outside of Galveston. I lived in the same house my whole life. Well, that is until I went off to college." He answered.

"What did your Daddy do?" I asked. Since everyone else was badgering him with questions, and he was freely answering them, I figured I could ask some too.

"He was a corporate attorney. My mother taught Drama-Speech at a local University." He revealed. "I saw her often, more so after I went to college."

"Are they both dead?" I asked.

"My mother is. My father is at an adult residency now. He suffers from Alzheimer's disease. You all know what that is?"

"You forget everything." Zigzag said.

"What a good idea." Magent quipped. Everyone stopped eating and looked at him. He shrugged. "If we could forget everything, and start over like a blank tape, I mean."

"You don't have to forget the past." Dr. Pendanski said softly. "What you have to learn to do is handle it, live with it, put it in perspective, and keep it from permitting you to have a future.

"After all, that's what you're here to do." He concluded.

No one responded. We just kept eating, each of us hoping he was right. Maybe we could each have real futures, not just the lives of criminals. As we ate, I looked around at Pendanski's office. I'd been in it many times, but something caught my eye in the corner. Something I'd never noticed before.

"Mom, what's up with that painting?" I asked. Pendanski looked to where I was pointing, and smiled.

"Is this the first time you've noticed that, Alan?"

"Yeah." I said.

"Hey, me too." X-Ray told me. "I never noticed that before either, Mom. Will you bring it over here so we can look at it?"

"Of course." Pendanski brought the picture over to us, and the other boys all gathered around for a look at it.

It was a painting of a little girl, about seven or eight, standing by a pond and looking at her own reflection in the water.

"My father liked this one a great deal, too." Dr. Pendanski told us. "He told me that to him it was as if the little girl realized for the first time that she was really beautiful."

"That's not supposed to be the first time she'd seen herself, is it?" I asked.

"I don't think so, no."

"Maybe no one told her she was pretty, so she thought she wasn't." X-Ray said, tracing his finger down one side of the canvas.

"Yeah, and she didn't hope otherwise." Zig added.

"Maybe they told her she wasn't pretty and she knew they were liars." Zero injterjected with more anger in his voice than I'd ever heard. I looked at him quickly. His teeth were clenched and it looked like he had tiny candles behind his eyes.

"Does the painting have a name?" Caveman asked, trying to change the subject.

"It's called, _Reflections in a pond_." Pendansk replied.

"That's it?"

"Sometimes, things are nothing more than what they appear."

"If that were the case all the time, you'd be out of a job." Magnet quipped.

Dr. Pendanski laughed. I mean, he really roared. It brought a smile to our faces. It almost made me feel light and happy, and I didn't want to return to my story. But, that was what we were there to do, and anyway, everyone expected it.

Pendanski looked at me. "Everyone appears to be finished. Ready to continue?"

I nodded. "I guess I am.

"I know I keep saying that everything got worse after this and everything got worse after that, so you're all probably thinking things were as bad as they could get, but they weren't. It got worse again after Momma got a boyfriend.

"I knew she was going out with different men, but she'd never brought anyone home with her before Jason Everson. He was someone new to the neighbourhood and to One Eyed Sam's, which is where they met, of course.

"I gotta say that I never thought Momma was faithful to Daddy when they were together anyway. When ever Daddy went off on a job that took a few days, I had the feeling Momma was with someone. She'd never admit it to me, of course, but you hear things, on the street or whatever, and you could pick up on it, if you wanted to be smart enough.

"Momma'd be with me, and we'd meet up with one of her One Eyed Sam girlfriends, and they'd get to talking and laughing, and I could read between the lines that Momma went off with some guy, maybe just to his car behind the bar or something. I was worried that she'd get a disease or pregnant with some other man's baby, but I was afraid to say anything.

"If I looked suspicious or surprised, she'd just ay 'You know Nancy was just fooling. She don't mean half of what she says, Alan. Don't you go saying anything to your Daddy or to Granny, hear?'

"If I didn't answer, she'd slap me on the arm or shoulder till I turned to her and cried 'What?'

"'When I'm talking to you, I expect an answer. You understand what I said to you?'

"'Yes!' I'd cry.

"'Well, I don't need you making no trouble for me. I have enough as it is.' She'd say and then she'd mumble the rest of the way home.

"I know it sounds like we never had any mother-child talks like you probably did with your mothers, but we did. Not so much towards the end, but before things got so bad that I couldn't stand to look at her, much less talk to her."

I paused and turned to Zig.

"I remember once, when you were talking about your own parents divorce. You asked how people who were supposedly in love could suddenly hate each other so much. What happened to all the nice things they said to each other, and the nice things they did together? I thought about that too, and then one day, when Momma was sober enough and being nice to Ronnie, I asked her something like that.

'You loved Daddy once, right, Momma?'

"'Yeah, so?' She said.

"'I just wondered why you stopped is all.' I said. I didn't wanna spoil her good mood, so I spoke quietly and looked down quickly.

"'Because he's not the man I fell in love with' She said. 'He fooled me is what happened. When we were first going together, he would tell me how different he was and how different things were gonna be for us. We're not gonna be like those poor drifting folks around us, he said. We're gonna build a real home for our family.

"'He was gonna have his own company and I'd be a lady of style. I'd have my own car to drive and we'd have a nice house, and on and on he'd go, spinning his web of lies. He tricked me real good, that's what he did. I gave myself to him, expecting him to live up to his promises. Every single one of them turned out to be a lot of hot air. When I asked him about all of it, he told me to be patient.

"'I'm growing old being patient.' I told him. Then he'd clam up and pretend I wasn't in the room. You know how he was when he got like that. It was impossible to talk to him. You've seen him.'

"'Maybe he was trying.' I risked saying. She didn't get mad, she just laughed.

"'Yeah, look at the palace he built for us. Men' She said. 'Are natural born liars. You can't believe one of 'em.' She looked down at Ronnie, who was playing in the floor, and then at me, sitting in a chair beside her. "Oh sure, they're cute as little boys, even at your age, then they hit their mid-teens, and their little thing takes over, and run their lives.'

"I knew what she was saying, but I couldn't quite believe she was saying it. I was nearly twelve by then, but I still didn't know much about sex. Momma just figured I'd learn about it the way she did, from friends. I guess when your hormones scream, it was just all suppose to pop in your head, and you'd know what to do, and what not to do. Most guys didn't know what not to do," I said. "At least, most of the ones I knew."

"My parents didn't exactly offer me any advice." Magnet said.

"Excuse me?"

"You know, wisdom...and stuff. I learned it all from my brother."

"Oh. Well, we learned most of it from the school nurse. She gave the girls....um.....sanitary napkins. I knew what they were, because I'd seen Momma use them. I remember, I started getting stomach cramps around that time. It was strange, because I thought only girls got them and I wasn't a girl.

"Once, in class, I got one so bad, it doubled me over. The nurse had to come down to the classroom and help me up to her office. I heard the other kids in my class laughing at me, but I was in so much pain, I didn't care. The nurse told me that stress can cause cramps, then she made me lie down with a heating pad. She called my house, and told Momma about me.

"'Well, what am I suppose to do about it?' Momma asked. The nurse told her she'd have to come get me. Momma told her she couldn't because Ronnie was home sick, but I knew that was a big fat lie. I thought she must of been drinking with someone, because Ronnie had been fine that morning. The nurse ended up driving me home, and I discovered that I was right.

"That was the first time I met Jason Everson. The music was loud. They were drinking gin and tonic. Momma was wearing only her slip. When Momma saw that I had entered, she stopped dancing with Jason, wobbled a little, and laughed.

"'This here's my oldest son, Alan. He's almost a man.' She lifted her glass. 'Let's toast to his happy days.'

I didn't take much of a look a Jason that first time. I was so embarrassed about the whole situation, I just ran to my room and slammed the door. I heard them laughing and drinking. When Ronnie came home from Kindergarden, they were in Momma's bedroom. I went out to the living room to get him, and brought him back to my room. He was crying that he needed to use the bathroom, so I had to let him out. He heard Momma laughing, so he went to her room. The sight of her with a man in her bed just put a freeze in him.

"Ronnie ain't only shy. When he gets frightened or upset, he has a hard time talking and he starts stuttering. It almost sounds like he's choking on a bone or something. I just grabbed his hand and pulled him back to my room.

"'She's drinking again. We have to wait here till it's over, okay?' I told him.

"It was like waiting in the celler while a tornado passed through. I tried to keep him occupied, you know, playing games and reading him stories, but everytime we heard her laugh, or something hit against the wall or floor, we both froze. I knew Ronnie was afraid of the new man in Momma's arms, but I didn't know anything more about Jason Everson than he did at the time.

"I prayed that it would all end soon, but it went on and on allafternoon, till Momma finally passed out and Jason left the apartment. I heard the front door open then close, and I inched out of my room, leaving Ronnie behind. I looked in on Momma. She was naked, facedown on her bed, snoring away.

"My cramps hurt so bad, I could barely move around the kitchen. I was trying to fix Ronnie something to eat, but I finally just ghave up and made him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He was still to scared to eat much anyway.

"He fell asleep in my bed that night, and I let him stay there. I tried to sleep on the floor, but my stomach was hurting so bad, I couldn't even go to sleep. I just walked around, trying to ease the pain. Some time very late, I heard Momma get up and bang around in the kitchen. I heard her cuss and run some water. Then she went back to bed, and she was still sleeping in the morning when I got up to get Ronnie ready for school.

"I felt like I'd been punched a bunch of times in the stomach. I ached right down the back of my legs and I was in a bad mood myself, so when Momma stuck her head out and demanded to know what the hell was going on, I shouted back at her.

"'What do you think is going on? It's morning and Ronnie slept in my room last night because of your carrying on with that man!' I yelled.

"She blinked like she was trying to remember if she had or not then she got mad at me for yelling, and she screaming back.

'I ain't got rid of that man you call your Daddy just to have you sassin' me! Don't you go lecturing me, boy, you hear? You don't open your mouth.'

"Yeah, well, you need to keep yours closed." I shot back, and she looked like her eyes were gonna explode in her head. She started across the room to slap me, only I wasn't gonna take it anymore. I'd had enough pain the previous night and I wasn't gonna take anymore of it, so I pushed a chair in her path. She tripped over it. It stunned her and she just lay there on the floor, staring up at me.

"Ronnie was in a bad state now. He wasn't just shaking and stuttering anymore, he was trembling so hard, I actually heard his teeth chatter. I pushed him up and out of the apartment, took his hand, and walked him to school. I forgot everything: my books, money(what little I had)my homework, everything."

"Oh no." Armpit groaned.

"Yeah." I said. "So after I dropped Ronnie off, I had to sneak back into the house and get them. Momma was back in bed with a cold rag over her face. She didn't even hear me. By the time I got to school, I was late, so they sent me to the assistant principal, Mr. Hofmane. He wanted to put me in detention because I had a record of tardiness that stretched from one side of his office to the other. That's what he told me.

"I told him I couldn't stay, that I had to be home for my little brother. He said that if i didn't stay, I'd be in even worse trouble, and that my mother would have to take care of my brother. That's when I guess I went a little nuts. That was the first time."

Even thought I'd had plenty to eat for lunch, my stomach had a empty feeling in it. I took a deep breath, and sat back, closing my eyes.

"I hate remembering that day, but I hate being afraid of the memory even more. Anyway, Mr. Hofmane threatened me again, and I just started yelling and slapping my legs. It felt good, like I was unloading all this weight. I guess he'd never seen anything like it before, because he went running for the nurse. She came back with him. By that time, I was grabbing my hair and shaking my head so hard, I could feel my neck twisting to the point of snapping. The nurse put her arms around me and tried to hold me.

"'Call the paramedics!' She ordered the assistant principal. I did calm down some, but I couldn't stop gasping. I had these really painful hiccups too. The paramedics came in and got me to lie down on a stretcher. They buckled me in and wheeled me out. There was a bunch of kids watching, but I didn't care. I passed out in the ambulance.

"I woke up several hours later, to this doctor. He told me that there was nothing physically wrong with me, it was emtional. He recommended that I see the hospital psychologist.'You have some heavy personal problems.' He said. I remember thinking that he looked too young to be a doctor. He told Momma the same thing he'd told me, when she finally showed up.

"She was more angry than worried because it cost her two cab fares, one down there, and one back. From what I could tell, she didn't remember what had happened that morning. She told the young doctor that I was fine, I didn't need to see a psychologist, and that there wasn't money for things like that anyway.

"So I went home with her, and went to bed. She fed Ronnie dinner, and I woke up to them moving his stuff in my room. Momma pretended that she was doing it for my good, but really it was because she wanted to bring Jason home with her, and he didn't want a kid in the same room.

Momma went off to her job like nothing had happened. Ronnie didn't understand why I'd been in the hospital, but he was happy I was home and to be in my room, staying as close to me as possible. I thought maybe, just maybe, things would start to get easier now.

"I was never so wrong in my life."


	5. Chapter Four

"Things didn't get any easier. I still got those stomach cramps and Jason was there alot more than I wanted him to be. The more Momma did with him, the less she did for Ronnie and me, not that she did much do begin with. There were times when we hardly had anything to eat, and I'd have to go to her to get some money. She tried having an account at the Spanish grocery on our block, but when she didn't pay the bill, they stopped letting us charge things.

"Ronnie was eating so much peanut butter he could've made commercials for the company. We were both outgrowing our clothes and shoes left and right, but she didn't even notice unless I pointed it out, then it just griping about how much this and that cost, and where was my good-for-nothing father who sure as hell could make kids, but couldn't care for them?

If Momma was drunk, she could go on for hours. I'd hear her voice in my dreams. I used to think that she was hollering so much, it just stuck to the walls like glue and played itself over and over, till I was sleeping with my hands over my ears or a pillow over my head.

"It's raining pain, I would tell myself. Once, when Momma began one of her frequent tirades, I actually went to the hall closet, got out the old blue umbrella, and opened it, holding it up like a shield between me and her. She went wild, screaming about all the bad luck I was bringing in the house.

"'What about all of it you're bring in?' I shouted back at her. She threw a frying pan at me. It would've hit me too, if I hadn't held the umbrella up again.

"Ronnie started to cry so I picked him up and carried him to our bedroom, slamming the door. I wedged my desk chair underneath the handle like a lock.She followed us and kept yelling for a while, and I held Ronnie and sang to him, petting his hair, anything to keep him from crying. It got harder and harder for me to handle it all, until one day, I did something that helped, something that could really stopped the rain of pain."

"I'd like to hear about that." Magnet said.

"Me too." Zero said, almost under his breath. "What stopped your pain?"

Zigzag had that happy-go-lucky smile on his face, like he knew what I was gonna say.

"I had a baby blanket that Granny made for me before I was born. Daddy called it my magic carpet. That stuck in my head, and when I saw the movie Aladdin, it had a big impact on me."

"So you flew off on your baby blanket?" Magnet asked with disappointment in his eyes.

"I guess I did." I answered.

"What?" Zig said, his smile widening. He looked at Magnet, who shook his head and raised his eyes to the ceiling.

"Go on and laugh, but it worked for me."

"What worked for you?" Magnet demanded. "You not making any sense, Squid."

"I took my blanket and put it on my bed and lay down on it, folded my legs up so they almost touched my stomach. It felt better than way."

"Oh." Magnet said, as if he thought that's what it was: a way to ease my stomach cramps.

"And then I left." I added.

"Left?"

"Yeah, I guess I left in my imagination, but it helped. I saw myself flying up and out my window and out of Austin all together. I went to every place I'd ever dreamed about or saw on T.V and wished I was.

"I flew over oceans, over forests, and over other cities. I actually saw things like I was up high, everything looked like tiny toys. My imaginary trips always took a long time, because when I came back to my bed, an hour or two had passed, but I always felt better.

"I got to where, whenever I was unhappy or Momma made me mad, I'd lay on my blanket. I'd just wonder back to my room, spread the blanket out on my bed, and lay down on it, folding my legs up and closing my eyes. Then I was gone, and I didn't hear anything, not Momma's angry shouts or string of complaints or her sceams at Ronnie. I was gone.

"When I came back I felt like I was a new person. Ronnie would tell me that he shook me, trying to tell me something, but I wouldn't answer, I wouldn't even open my eyes. Once he said he shook me and shook me, for almost five minutes, then he gave up and sat down on the floor, watching me. He said he was watching my face and I was was smiling so hard. He wanted to know why, so I told him I had a really good dream."

"That's all it was, right?" Magnet asked, looking at Dr. Pendanski, "A dream? He didn't really go anywhere."

Pendanski hesitated before responding and looked at me, like he was deciding whether or not to burst my bubble.

"It might have been more than I dream. It could have been a form of meditation." He confessed.

"I don't really know what that is." Zig said. "I thought it was the same as dreaming."

"No. When you dream you're really in a conscious state but the mind is being bombarded by different images that you don't control. Dreams are more or less random. You can deliberately think of things, but after you fall asleep there's no guarantee you'll dream about them. Meditation is a higher form of that. In meditation, you control everything you think of. In Alan's case, he wanted so desperately wanted to leave his surroundings, that's what he did. Only it wasn't in body, but in his mind."

"Can anyone do that?" X-Ray asked.

"Of course." Pendanski answered. "If you concentrate enough, you can do anything you put your mind to."

"I always felt better." I emphasized. The others looked at me with envy. "Sometimes I didn't wanna come back."

"Yes." Pandanski's eyes grew small and dark. "There's always that possiblity. We're here to make sure that doesn't happen, though." He looked at the other boys. "To any of you."

Maybe it was the way he said it, or just the tone of his voice that made me realize how serious this was. It was like we were all walking on the edge of different cliffs, and we could fall(accidentely or purposely)into our own obliviation. The atmosphere in Dr. Pendanski's office suddenly became heavier, each of us lost for a moment or two in our own problems. I didn't really know anyone else's stories, but I could see the terror in their eyes, the same terror that I was sure was shining in mine. I saw concern in Pendanski's eyes, and I remembered what Granny had said to me before I left for Camp Greenlake.

"You're too young to become someone's lost cause, Alan. Ya hear?"

_I hear, Granny, I hear._ I thought.

"I've heard you say, X-Ray, that after your parents divorced, your Dad started dating someone new, and how you felt about going to see him when you knew she'd be there, and what that was like for you." I started up again. "But at least you had a choice.

"I was around thirteen by now. One afternoon when Ronnie and me came home from school, we saw suitcases and a couple of boxes in Momma's room. She wasn't there. Ronnie and I looked at each other, and I thought maybe, just maybe Daddy'd come back.

"We've all talked about hate here, me more than anyone. Maybe if one of you was telling your story, you'd have more to say on the subject. I don't know. What I do know, is that my Granny is right when she says hate's a two edged sword. Yeah, you can stick it in someone, but the other end is sticking in you at the same time. That's what the preacher said one Sunday morning, when me and Ronnie went to church with Granny. She kept glancing at me while he preached. He said you have to drive the hate out of your heart before it can rot the good that's already there.

"Nothing made me hate my Daddy more than him leaving us, and nothing made me want him more. When I was a little boy, we had some good times. I remember, I used to ride on his shoulders alot. He didn't even get mad when I pulled his hair. When I was really little, he used to read me a story before I went to sleep. The same story every night, till I got to where I was saying it along with him, even though I couldn't read yet."

"What story?" Caveman asked.

I was so lost in my memories, I barely heard him. "Huh?"

"What story?"

"Huh- Oh! The Billy Goat's Gruff." I said, looking at my feet. I was a little embarrassed by that.

"Oh." Caveman smiled. "My Dad used to read that to me, too."

I half smiled back at him. He wasn't a bad guy, I guess, even if he was a Momma's Boy.

"Momma is a tough little women, so after Daddy left, it wasn't that I was physically afraid. Not many people, including men, would mess with her. No, it was almost like we were less without Daddy, if that makes sense."

X-Ray looked like he understood more than the others. His eyes met mine for a second, and it was like we were on the same wavelength. I shook my head, trying to clear it.

"What I mean is, it didn't help me to have another man come into our house. I didn't feel better or safer. If anything, it made it worse. But, that's what those suitcases meant. Jason Everson was moving in. I could smell him already.

"'Whose is that, Alan?' Ronnie asked. 'Are we moving away? Did Momma pack us up?'

"'No, Ronkins, we ain't moving away. We're stuck here.' I replied.

"About two hours later, Momma and Jason came in. They were both laughing. I was mashing up some potatoes for Ronnie to have with his hamburger. Momma was dressed in her Sunday clothes, and Jason had on a suit with a tie. He wasn't as tall as my Daddy, and he was on the chunky side. His head was round, and his blonde hair was thin, showing alot of forehead. His blue eyes were big, and he had a bump in his nose. When he was younger he tried to be a prizefighter, but he was really one of those fall guys who get their faces beat in on a regular basis.

"As you can tell, I was never fond of Jason. I couldn't understand what Momma saw in him, and when I asked her once, she just laughed and said, 'When you start getting with people, you'll understand what matters most about them.'

"I wasn't stupid. I knew she meant sex.

"Anyway, there I stood, staring at the two of them, grinning like fools. It put little drips of ice down my back. I reached out and pulled Ronnie closer to me, and he wrapped his arms around my leg.

"'Well, there he is, my little chef.' Momma cried. 'Or, I should say, _our_ little chef.'

"'What're you talking about Momma?' I asked. 'What's going on?'

"Jason laughed and went to the cabinet where Momma kept the liquor, grapped out some bourbon and poured him and Momma each a small glass. Ronnie didn't exactly know what booze was, but he knew that when Momma drank it she became mean and most of the time, scary, so he clung tighter to me.

"'What're you celebrating, Momma?' I finally asked.

The two of them grinning at each other like I'd asked the dumbest question known to man.

"'Momma?'

"'We're celebrating because Jason and I just got married.' She said.

"I frowned and shook my head.

"'You can't marry Jason, Momma. You're already married.' I reminded her.

"She grimaced and slammed her glass down so hard it almost shattered.

"'A man walks out of here on day, never calls, never writes, never comes back, and I'm suppose to married to him? No sir, I don't think so, Alan.'

"'Don't you have to go to court or something, though?' I asked.

"'Court means lawyers and lawyers're just crooks with shingles on their doors. Jason and I decided, officially decided, that I ain't married to Dennis Smith no more. Then we went to Pastor Andrews over at the Southern Baptist Church on 18th Street, and he married us. Right and proper, too, with a Bible and everything. I even got a ring!' Momma held her hand out.

"Didn't look like much of a ring to me, but I didn't say so.

"'Don'tcha have to have a license?'

Momma shook her head. 'Will you stop with all those questions? Just say hello to your new Daddy.' She ordered.

"I just turned back to Ronnie's potatoes.

"'You hear me, Alan? You show your new Daddy some respect, hear?'

"'He ain't my Daddy.' I muttered.

"'What? What did you say?'

"She started for me, but Jason held her off.

"'Now, hold on Caroline.' He said. 'We don't want no unpleasentries on our wedding night. Our Honeymoon.' He added.

She stopped and smiled at him. 'You're right.' She looked at me, her dark eyes shooting darts across the kitchen. 'We'll, talk about this later. Jason and me are going out, just as soon as I freshen up.' She went into the bathroom.

"I continued to work on Ronnie's dinner, and he held on to me the whole time. It felt hard to breathe, with all that had just went on.

"'That boy looks like a sissy, hanging on to you like that.' Jason said, smirking. I felt anger coming up inside me. Heat started to rise in my face, and I turned around. I gave Jason my coldest glare.

"'He'll grow up to be half the man you are, not that it would be that hard.' I said.

"He stared at me for a second, and I saw the rage start to build in his eyes, but then he smiled. It was like, he knew that he had to stop, because if he didn't he'd probably lose control of himself. So he smiled. It wasn't a real smile, it was an unsure one, a smile to cover up his discomfort.

I continued to glare at him and he raised his crooked, left forefinger at me. 'Your Momma's right about you, boy. You gotta big mouth. One I aim to shut, but not right now. No, not now. Later though, you can count on that.'

"I just rolled my eys and went back to fixing the food."

I paused and looked at the other guys. Each in his eyes said that they knew what a low moment that was for me and my little brother. I didn't have to say it.

"How would you like it if that happened to you, huh?"

Dr. Pendanski's eyes brightened and he leaned forward to see what the others would do.

"They make descisions about us like we're just their pets or something." Magnet said, his already dark eyes growing darker with anger. "Makes me sick."

"My Dad never even told me he was seeing someone else, much less asked my opinion on it." X-Ray said.

Zero remained quiet, but his eyes filled with a cold look of fear that made me wonder again how different his life had been, what troubles he had seen, and what had stolen his voice and smile.

"Despite what Momma and Jason threatened, they didn't do anything to me that night. They just went to their celebration, and didn't come home till late. I put Ronnie to bed and sat up watching 'Cruel Intentions' on Channel twelve. After it was over, I went to bed too. When Ronnie and I got up the next morning, thier door was shut. We ate and left without seeing them, which was okay with me.

"Jason supposedly worked for a used car dealership, but I thought he did something illegal on the side. He'd get these phones calls, sometimes really late at night, and he'd talk to low for me to hear him. Packages came for him too, that he hid. It was wierd.

"I never was really comfortable with him in the house. Mostly, he went out with Momma, to One Eyed Sam's or whatever, but there were times when it was just Jason and Ronnie and me in the house. I'd seen stories on the news and stuff about men messing with little or teenage boys, and seeing as we didn't know Jason from Adam, that thought bothered me alot.

"But I wanna say right away, that nothing like that ever happened. I know, you're probably thinkint that, but it didn't happen. He had his reasons, which he shared with me." I said, sitting back and taking a drink of water.

"I'd like to hear about that." Magnet said.

I looked at him. "I thought you might."

"What's that suppose to mean?" He fired back.

I shrugged. "Whatever you want it to mean."

We both stared at each other, then we laughed. The other boys looked between the two of us, confused.

"After dealing with us, you might wanna rethink use of the work _crazy_, Mom." Zig said, grinning.

Pendanski laughed.

"The only place I approve of that word is in the Patsy Cline song." He said.

"Who's Patsy Cline?" Armpit asked, his eyes darting from Magnet to me.

"She's a country singer, or at least she was." Caveman answered. "She died in a plane crash in the early sixites." He noticed us all staring at him, like 'duh' and shrugged. "My Grandpa has alot of her albums. He likes that kind of music."

We were all still kinda staring. Pendanski smiled again. "There is other music beside's rock and rap, boys." He said.

"I know who she is." Zero whispered. "My Mom liked her, too."

No one spoke. We heard footsteps outside the door. They stopped, for a second, then went on.

"So, are we gonna hear more about Jason Everson or not?" Magnet asked.

"He's not really that interesting, but sure, I'll tell you more about Jason.

"I'll tell you more about it all."


	6. Chapter Five

"One evening about four months later, I gave Ronnie dinner, then decided to take a bath. We didn't have a shower head, just a bathtub. It was really crappy, but it was either that or go dirty, which I wasn't about to do. Anyway, I had the portable cd player I'd gotten that past Christmas going, and I didn't hear Jason come home. He rushed into the apartment, and a few minutes later, he was in the bathroom."

"Didn't you lock the door?" Magnet asked.

"The lock was broken. It had been for a few years, and no one had ever bothered to fix it. We didn't have any need to." I replied.

I sat back, fixing me eyes on him for a few seconds. He turned his head and crossed his legs. I smirked and continued my story.

"I saw the bathroom door open and I yelled when Jason came in. He acted like he didn't even hear me. He went to the sink, opened the cabinet, and got out his razor and shaving cream. I felt kind of sick. It took me a few minutes to find my voice.

"'Get out of here!' I yelled, pulling off my head phones. 'I'm trying to take a bath!'

"'Gotta shave fast.' He muttered, looking at his ugly face in the mirror. 'Gotta meet your Mother. I got us tickets to a boxing exhibition, but if we're late, we'll lose the seats. Great seats, too.'

"'I don't care! I'm taking a bath! Why'd you barge in here? What if I was a girl? Get out!'

"He grinned and looked down at me. I shrunk down in the tub a little and grabbed the washrag to cover myself.

"I won't be but a few minutes, and even if you was a girl, I wouldn't be interested in you.' He told me. 'I don't touch virgins.'"

"What?" X-Ray asked. "He told you he don't touch virgins?"

"That's what he said. He started to shave and tell me how virgins were to much trouble, and he prefered his women to be broke in. Like a good riding horse. He laughed at his own stupid joke.

"I was still in the tub, praying that he'd get out. And he did. He finished shaving then went to put on his suit and tie. My heart was pounding and I was pissed.

After he got dressed he came rushing back in. I was out of the tub by the, and I had my towel wraped around my waist. Before I could protest, he'd grabbed my hairbrush and was brushing his thin hair. He turned to me, and actually asked me how he looked.

"'Like an idiot!' I shouted. I was shaking with surpressed anger.

"He just bit his lip, nodded and left. That night I fixed the lock, even though if he'd wanted to ever come back in, it wouldn't have stopped him."

"Did you tell your Mom what happened?" Caveman asked.

"No. She didn't get home till late, and even if I had gotten up to talk to her, she sure as hell wouldn't have been in any condition to talk to me. She would've taken Jason's side anyway, saying that I was lollygagging in the tub or something. She'd defend him no matter what. I sensed that from the start."

"I thought Mothers were suppose to stick up for their kids no matter what." Magnet muttered.

Zigzag snorted and Zero shook his head.

"No matter what." He whispered.

"Momma never wanted us and she never made a big secret of it." I said.

"What was your Granny doing while you were living with that monster you call a mother?" Magnet didn't bother to hide the anger in his voice.

"She wouldn't have hesitated to come over and get me and Ronnie if I'd told her the nitty-gritty details of what was happening." I replied hotly. "But I couldn't for a long time."

"Oh yeah? And why was that?"

"About a month after Jason moved in with us, she had a heart attack." It nearly brought tears to my eyes just thinking about it, but thankfully they didn't fall. "I didn't even know about it until a few days afterward. Momma kept it to herself. She probably knew I would demand to go see Granny at the hospital, and didn't want to deal with that, so she just didn't tell us at all. She actaully went to work the night it happened. I found that out later, too.

"One of Granny's friends, Betty Jane Foster, came to visit her just a few minutes after Granny had lost her breath. That's how Betty Jane found her, lying in the floor, clutching her heart.

"She called nine-one-one, and tried to keep Granny calm. Granny was calm, even if she could barely breathe. I never saw anyone as calm about their own death as my Granny. She has abiding faith in the hereafter."

"What about you?" Armpit asked. He looked at me like my answer would really matter to him.

"I always thought if things could be good afterward, why can't they be good now? No one's looking after me in this world, why should I expect anyone to in the next? We'll probably be on our own in Heaven just as much, if not more." I told him. He nodded slowly, thinking it over.

"My Mom says this life is just a test." Caveman offered.

"Yeah, well I'd just as soon cheat and pass it." I joked.

He laughed, and Pendanski folded his face into a small smile.

"Anyway, the way I found out Granny was in the hospital was someone called for Momma while she was working. Granny wanted some things from her apartment and had asked a nurse to contact Momma. I felt stupid, not evening knowing she was in the hospital. Stupid and angry.

"As soon as I hung up the phone, I went in Momma's room and searched through her drawers till I found her hidden money. It was suppertime, but I grabbed Ronnie's handed and headed out to the cab I'd called for us. It took us to the hospital. When we got there I bought Ronnie a Milky Way and a Sprite, to keep him satisfied while I went up to the CCU and asked for Mrs. Fisher. I thought they might not let me in, but when I said that I was her grandson and I had my little brother with me, the nurse agreed.

"'About time someone came to see her.' She said.

"I started to cry thern and say that I didn't know that my Granny was in the hospital until that afternoon, that my Momma hadn't told me. The nurse, who said to call her Janine, softened her disapproving look and took me and Ronnie to Granny's bedside. She told us Granny was doing very well, that the doctors decided that their wasn't much damage done to her heart muscle, but she would have what they called a angina pain from time to time. It was treatable, she said I guess she was happy to have someone there to talk about Granny's condition to, someone who cared and listened.

"Granny was surprised, but happy to see us. I told her how Momma hadn't said a word, and she just pressed her lips together and shook her head.

"'It's alright. She probably just didn't want you to worry, Alan.' She said. I swear, she could forgive Judas."

"Who?" Zig saked.

"Judas. You know, the one who betrayed Jesus." I replied.

"Oh."

"I guess you never went to Sunday School."

"Hardly." He said, almost laughing. "The only prayers you hear in my house are 'God, please don't let that be a gray hair'."

Magnet laughed out loud and everyone else smiled in glee.

"Anyway, I stayed with her as long as I could, then I took Ronnie to the cafeteria and bought the two of us some sandwiches with the money I'd taken from Momma. Then I did to her exactly what she did to me."

"What was that?" Magnet asked quickly.

"I didn't tell her a damn thing. I just took Ronnie home, got him ready for bed, and told him not to tell we went to see Granny.

"'Why not, Alan?' He asked.

"'Because, Momma'll just get mad, and then I'll be in big trouble. You don't want that, do you?'

"He shook his head. 'No. I promise, I won't tell Momma.'

"But I knew she'd find out sooner or later, and she did. It was a few days later, when she finally checked on Granny. She'd been moved from the CCU to a private room for a few more days of observation. I came home from school with Ronnie and Momma was waiting for us. She was almost confused as she was mad. It was like she couldn't understand what had happened. had she told me about Granny, or hadn't she? I could see the uncertainty in her eyes.

"'Why didn't you tell me you went and saw Granny?' She demanded. "You made me look like a fool!'

"'I didn't.' I retorted. 'You do that well enough on your own.'

"She slapped me across the face. 'Don't you dare talk to me like that, Alan Walter!' She screamed. 'Don't you dare!'"

"Walter?" Magnet snickered. Pendanski and I both glared at him. "What? I just asked if that was his middle name."

"You had a _tone_." I said. "Can I please get back to my story? I'd like to finish it before the year lets out."

"Go on, Alan." Pendanski told me.

"'Why didn't you tell me about Granny!' I shouted through my tears. 'They though no one cared about her! You didn't even call to see how she was!'

"'I ain't none of their damn buisness! Everyone sticks their noses into my life! I didn't tell you 'cause I knew you'd go off on me and carry on and just make things harder.'

"She paused, thinking for a second.

"'How'd you get there and back?' She asked. 'Where'd you get the money?'

"I didn't answer, and she stomped into her bedroom, searching through the drawers.

"'You stole from me, Alan!' She screamed. 'You went and took my rainy day stash!'

"'That wasn't there for a rainy day, Momma.' I told her. 'It's been raining around here for a long time, and you never touched it unless you needed vodka or bourbon.'

"She gaped at me, raising her hand to hit me again when she glanced at Ronnie. His eyes were wide and full of fear. That seemed to slow her down some and all she did was shake her head.

"'You two boys are a punishment for me, thats all. I'm being punished for having you.'

"'What're we suppose to say, Momma? We don't drink and get into fights at One Eyed Sam's. We didn't bring some stranger into the house.' I said, tears still streaming down my cheeks. 'Look how we're being punished.'

"'You're a regular smart ass,' She said. 'Okay, fine then. Don't feel sorry for me, a woman deserted with two kids. I just hope nothing like this happens to you someday, Alan. Then, you'll be sorry for the things you've said to me.' She whined. 'I do the best I can with what little I have.'

"She sat down and started sobbing. Ronnie, who was already upset, started crying too. She held her arms out to him, and he ran to her. She held him, trying to make me feel like the bad one. Finally, I went to her too and she pulled me on her lap, right along with Ronnie. That was the last time she held me.

"I didn't say anyhting more. Less than a week later, Granny went home from the hospital. We went to visit her and she seemed okay. Well, Momma complained most of the visit about her own problems, so it's not like Granny would've been able to tell us if anything was wrong, if it was in her nature, which it's not. I took the bus to see her as much as I could, but that wasn't alot.

"Before Daddy left, Momma at least did a little for Ronnie and me. She cooked sometimes and went shopping if we needed things. Sometimes, when she drank she'd get all sappy and start crying over how much she loved us, and act like she was sorry for treating us bad. It was all a drunken act, but it felt good to be loved on.

"She did it more with Ronnie, than with me, though. I was always more or less on my own, but at least she cared about him sometimes.

"After she started seeing Jason, though, she started acting more and more like a woman without any responsibilities. Everything that had to be done for us was an effort. She wanted to be free to party all night and sleep late every morning.

"It got so that I didn't care anymore. I was Ronnie's only mother. Seriously. Maybe I didn't birth him and maybe I was a boy, but I was the only thing he had like a mother."

"And you didn't mind?" Armpit asked, scrunching his nose a little. I shook my head.

"No. It was like Ronnie really was my child. I would've died for him. I still would." I replied.

"Didn't you have any sort of a socail life?" Zig asked.

"Not much of one. I never went to parties, even if I was invited, and when I did go to the movies, I had to bring Ronnie. Not that my friends minded.......it was just embarassing. I wasn't embarssed of Ronnie, of course, it wasn't his fault. No, I was embarassed because of Momma.

"Her conscience reared it's weak head from time to time, but even then, she groaned and moaned about how she'd been cheated of her youth by a man who'd promised her the world, then made her pregnant with me. When Daddy was there, she'd try to make him feel guilty about it. He used to say, 'From the way you talk, Caroline, people might think I raped you.'

"She'd reply with, 'That was it! You raped me! You might not have tied me down, Dennis Smith, but you bedazzled me with your smooth talk before I had a chance to stop you.'

"Daddy would just look at me and laugh. You've said before, X-Ray, that before your parents split, that they'd talk bad about each other to you. Well, my parents did that too, but I was too young to understand what they were doing. Daddy'd start it, then Momma would join right in, and I'd just be standing there between them not knowing if I should smile, laugh, or burst into tears. I got so I wanted to cover my ears with my hands."

"I did too." X-Ray whispered.

"So did I." Zig admitted. "My parents did the same thing before my Dad moved out."

I reached for my water glass and took a sip. How different their faces all look now, I thought. Magnet had lost his look of arrogance; Zig's little smile was gone; X-Ray wouldn't look up from the floor; Armpit had busied himself picking little fuzz pills of the sofa arm; Caveman was looking at his hands and biting his lip; and Zero, who would hardly even glance at me before, was now staring his eyes full of sympathy and understanding.

"One day, Jason and Momma started planning a vacation they wanted to take. They were going to drive up to Houston. Jason claimed he had some friends out there who owed him a good time. They were going to leave Ronnie and me with Granny. I didn't mind. Actually, I was looking forward to it.

"But a few days later, Ronnie was burning up with fever when I went to wake him up for school. He was so hot, my fingers actually jumped back from his cheek. I couldn't get him to really wake up. He kept groaning and his eyes were glassy.

"I shouted for Momma, who immeaditely started complaining about being woke up so early, until I got her in our bedroom and she felt Ronnie's forehead. She looked real scared and that made me even more afraid.

"'We better get him over to the emergancy room.' She told me and she went to wake Jason up. They were the ones who looked like they had fevers. Jason practically had to tape his eyelids open. We wrapped Ronnie in his blanket and Jason carried him out to the car.

"I'd been to the emergancy room a few times, besides when Ronnie needed stitches. It's always filled with people, each one looking sicker than the next. So, as bad as Ronnie was, we had to wait nearly two hours before we could see the doctor. I just sat real quiet in my chair, holding him. Jason fell asleep in his chair and Momma went into one of her mean moods. She bitched so much, the nurses were ready to kill her. I didn't think this was much of a help. They wouldn't rush to help us now. Granny always says you can get more flies with honey than with vineger. I tried to tell Momma that, but she was so pissed that her life had been disrupted, she wouldn't listen.

"Finally the docotr called us back. They had to run all kinds of test on Ronnie and we were there for nearly four more hours before they told us the results.

"'Ronnie has an infection in his spinal cord. I think were going to get it in time to stop it from being to serious, but right now, you've got a very sick little boy on your hands.' He said.

"Momma rolled her eyes. 'You've kept us here for four hours just to tell us that? I knew the boy was sick! Momma's know these things.' She lectured.

"'We have a lot of sick people here, Mrs. Everson. We're doing the best we can.'

"Of course, that wasn't good enough for her. She just repeated herself. Finally, she shut up, so the doctor could get Ronnie into treatment. They told us he'd be there most of the week. Now Momma was even more mad. Her vacation was ruined.

"I went to visit Ronnie everyday, not only because I was worried, but because Momma wouldn't shut up her complaining. She'd already told One Eyed Sam about her vacation, so she didn't have to go to work. She just sat around the house, griping her ass off. She actually drank herself into a coma. She was passed out for two days. That was another reason I went to see Ronnie.

"Ronnie's illness seemed to seal up a desicion she'd had in her head. Well, that and the eviction notice."

"Eviction notice?" X-Ray's head snapped up. "She wasn't paying the rent? She was working, wasn't she?"

"Yeah, well, I didn't know much about our bills. I remember the phone getting shut off once or twice, but she'd pay it and everything would be right again.

"About three days after Ronnie came home, someone knocked on the door. It was a man asking for Momma. I told him she was at work. He just smirked and said, 'If she's working, why don't she pay the rent?'

"I didn't have an answer for him, so he just gave me an enevlope and said I should make sure she got it. After he left, I opened it. It was the eviction notice, saying that if we didn't pay five hundred dollars by the end of the month, we'd be kicked out. I knew we couldn't manage that. I wasn't sure what Momma was planning, but I knew it couldn't be good.

"When Momma came home, I gave her the notice. She just threw it in the trash can. She told me and Ronnie that the next week we'd be going to Granny's because she and Jason had rescheduled their vacation.

"'How're we gonna go to school, though?' I asked. 'Granny lives far from our schools. In a different district.'

"'You can miss a little school so I can have some rest.' Momma snapped.

"'The school's not going to like that.' I warned her, but she was about as worried about that as she was the eviction notice.

"To tell you the truth, I wasn't that upset about missing school. I was doing bad in most of my subjects anyway. The counselor had been calling me about twice a month, but even he seemed to give up on me. There were alot of kids in my school with problems. I bet no one missed me. They probably didn't even realize I was gone.

"I packed most of our things, but Ronnie helped a little. Then, Momma and Jason drove us to Granny's. It was in a bit of a nicer part of the city, and Granny had a small patch of yard behind it. There was a park right down the block, too, so I had somewhere to take Ronnie to play. We'd have to keep on sharing a bedroom, which was really Granny's sewing room with a pullout and a dresser squeezed in it. Jason had put Ronnie's cot in the back of his car, so we had that at least.

"Before they left, Momma went into this big act, warning me and Ronnie to behave ourselves while she was gone. 'You're here to help Granny.' She said. It was more like Granny was here to help us, I thought.

"'We'll call in a day or two, Momma.' She told Granny. She hugged and kissed Ronnie, but she just stared at me like I was miles away. There was something in here face that caused a small flutter of panic in me. My heart skipped a beat and my stomach felt like it was filled with hot liquid.

"Sometimes, I could look at Momma when she was unaware, and I could catch a glimpse of the person she used to be, back when I was little and loved her like you should love your Momma. It's like now days she wears this mask, but sometimes she drops the mask without realizing it. It's then that you can see her for what she should be. Her eyes twinkle and her face softens into a small smile. It warmed my heart and made me feel safe, if only for a little while.

"I saw a glimmer of that face when she looked at me that day. Then, the mask came back up and she shook her head at me. 'You take care of everyone, Alan.' She said.

"'I always do.' I mumbled, which she didn't like. She turned to Jason and they left quickly.

"Momma didn't call the next day or most of the day after that, but finally, after super that night, the phone rang. I saw Granny was doing more listening than speaking, keeping her eyes on me and Ronnie as she did so.

"'No,' She said. ' That so? You didn't tell me about that, Caroline. Of course I will.' She added.

I lingered nearby, wondering if she would want to talk to me or Ronnie, but she didn't and a few minutes later, Granny said good-bye and hung up.

"'What's wrong now, Granny?' I asked.

"'Y'all were evicted from your apartment. Do you know about that?'

"'Yeah, I do. I was home when the man brought the notice.' I said. 'Momma said not to worry about it.'

"'Well, you lost your home.' Granny told me.

"Ronnie wasn't sure what was happening, but he knew it was bad and he started to cry, so I went to him and hugged him.

"'What's she gonna do about it, Granny?' I asked, still holding Ronnie.

"'She claims she and Jason are gonna try to set up a home for y'all in Houston. His freinds are supposed to have work for him. Once they settle in they'll send for you.' Granny added.

"She might've believed it at first, but after a few days of Momma not calling, I could see the trust evaporating. Momma called again the next week with the same story. When she didn't call at all the next week, Granny decided we should enroll in the closest schools, so that's what we did.

"Another week went by, and another and still there was no word from Momma. Then, nearly a month later, she called to say that she and Jason were going to try their luck on the East Coast. She said that Jason had an uncle out in Caseyville, Vermont and he said there he could use Jason's help. Supposedly, there was work Momma could get too.

"Granny didn't believe(neither did I, for that matter)but she looked at me and Ronnie and I guess she thought that the things that had happened were for the best. After she hung up, we talked about it.

"'I guess I'm gonna have to stick around in this old world for a few years longer than I expected.' She said.

"'I guess you better, Granny.' I replied.

"So I became one of those kids that you see on T.V, abandon by both his parents. Good riddance, I say." I paused, looking at the ceiling, then at Dr. Pendanski. I knew he was waiting for me to tell them the rest of it, waiting for me to tell the worst. So I took a deep breath, gathered my courage and did.

"My troubles," I admitted. "Were just starting."


	7. Chapter Six

"Like I said before, Granny wanted us to enroll in the nearest schools, and we did. I couldn't help but be a little upset by all the changes in our lives. Ronnie was more bothered by all of it than I was, though. He was more like Momma than Daddy. He didn't just clam up when he got mad or upset. Instead, he threw things, got into fights, and talked back to his new teacher. Twice in that first month Granny had to go down to the school because of things he'd done. He'd grown up in a house with a mother who threw things when she was angry, and didn't hesitate to use bad language in front of him, mostly because she was drunk and didn't realize what she was saying. I guess he didn't have what you'd call a good roll model.

I tried being angry with him and bawling him out for the things he was doing, but when he turned his lost eyes on me, I stopped yelling and just hugged him. Finally, I got to him a little by telling him that we had to be good for Granny's sake.

"'She's already had one heart attack. She could have another, then where would we be? In some foster home, that's where. They'd probably split us up, too.'

"He understood that and calmed down enough so that he didn't get into trouble. His school work didn't improve any, though.

"Neither did mine. The bad habits followed me, I guess. I couldn't see how I could help myself with studies, and when teachers or councelors asked me what I wanted to be, I just shrugged and stared out the window. The future was cloudy for me. I couldn't imagine how people looked years and years ahead of today and saw what they would be doing. I was just worried about tomorrow.

"I made new friends pretty fast. Everyone's curious about new students and ask questions. Alot of kids were in the same situation as me and Ronnie. I knew I was far from the only one living with his granny or granny and grandpa. One of the guys, Travis Connor, had a cousin in my old school who had been a friend of mine, so Travis and I became friendly and he told me about the other kids, especially the girls to aviod because of their reputations, criminal records, or gangs they belonged to.

"One girl he warned me about, Laurie Gilson, was interesting and attractive to me anyway. Travis said she was weird. She liked to be alone. She didn't have any real friends at school and no one knew much about her, or saw her at the usual hangout spots on the weekends. The only person she seemed to spend any time with was a black girl named Manda Laws, who had such severe learning disabilities that she had to be held back two grades. The fact that she would rather be with Manda than anyone else made her more interesting to me. It was sort of understood that Laurie protected her.

"Laurie wasn't all that big or strong. She was about five feet six and weighed around one hundred and fifteen pounds, but she had this wildness in her eyes that made other kids give her space. She had this way of fixing her eyes on you, that made you feel like she was burning right through you. Someone had nicknamed her 'Laser Eyes' and everyone called her that, but not to her face."

"What color were her eyes?" Caveman asked me. I thought for a minute, reliving the memories I knew to well.

"Gray. And she had long, black hair. And her skin was very pale." I stopped for a second, taking a breath. "Anyway, there were all sorts of stories about her that were practically mythical."

"Like what?" Magnet asked, leaning towards me.

Like, she'd supposedly killed someone in a fight when she was only twelve, and she stole a car and crashed it, killing a little kid. Stuff like that.

"From what I could tell, though, Laurie wasn't in that much trouble in school. She was an okay student, quiet and not disrespectful when her teachers approached her. I had one class with her, social studies. I would look her way from time to time. She sat just behind me and two rows over, but she never seemed to look at me or take any interest in me.

"I started to take better care of myself, fixing my hair and wearing colonge. Granny did seamstress work for a department store, and the manager got us some good discounts on clothes, so I was dressing nicer.

"Granny told me I was good looking. I thought she was just saying it because I was her grandson, but then, Kayla Vaughn, who was super popular, told me she and her friends thought I was one of the best looking guys in the school. I thought, if this was true, then why hadn't Laurie Gilson given me a first look, not to mention a second. I wasn't interested in the other girls who had.

"What I would do occasionally in class was, lean back in my chair at a slant, and look at Laurie without it being obvious. I guess another thing that attracted me too her was this look in her eyes that suggested she was hurting in the same places I was hurting. She seemed to drift away too.

"This went on through the remainder of eigth grade, and into ninth. Finally, at the beginning of ninth grade, I glanced at Laurie, and she turned her head slowly and looked right at me for a second. It was like we'd said our own private hello and reconized we were from the same place, Planet Pain."

Zigzag looked mesmorized, but his lips streched into a small smile.

"I live there too." He whispered, so low I barely heard him. I nodded, encouraged by how many similar notes we all had.

"Something happened after Laurie and I looked at each other." I continued. "It was like she had opened her eyes and finally noticed me. As it turned out, she wasn't weird so much as she was shy. It took another two days for her to mutter a word in my direction. I was walking from the high school, over to Ronnie's school, when someone walked fast by me. It was Laurie, and she glanced at me very quickly, and whispered 'Hi.', then she walked on, before I could answer. It was enough to make think about her for the rest of the evening, though.

"The next day I became bold, and when I saw her in the hallway, I walked straight over to her and asked her about the homework assignment. We still had social studies together, and we were suppose to come up with four causes of the Civil War. She gave me those 'laser eyes' like she didn't trust what I was asking. Her eyes drank me in completely before she'd answer.

"'I only got three.' She told me.

"'I only wrote down three too.' I replied.

We compared them, and together we came up with five. When I got to my desk, I scribbled them down, looking over at her, to see if she was doing the same. Laurie caught my eye and smiled. I felt like she had kissed me.

"Just her smile did that to you?" Zero asked, looking up. He'd been so quiet and unmoving for awhile and I'd forgotten he was even there. As usual, he glanced from the left to the right, in a small panic because his words had actually come out.

"She had a nice smile." I said. "Her whole face would change, warm up, and look more than just friendly. Her eyes would light with this sparkle. It's hard to explain. It was just so......"

"Sexy?" X-Ray suggested, grinning.

"Well, yeah, but it was more than that. It was full of understanding. That's it. I felt like we spoke and thought alike. Granny has this expression, 'birds of a feather flock together'. We'll see two people walking down the street and she'll say 'Them two's birds of a feather'. People make fun of older people who have all these expression and stuff, but I think alot of them are wise. They're helpful and they make alot of sense. At least, to me they do."

"So?" Magnet asked impatiently. "What happened after this great smile?"

"You can make fun all you want." I told him. "But, sometimes people can say more with one look then they can with a thousand words."

"I wasn't making fun! I just wanna know what happened next!" Magnet puffed his cheeks out and looked at the ceiling.

I glanced at Dr. Pendanski, who wore that infuriating look of patience, like he was just waiting for one of us to throw a tantrum.

"After class, Laurie and I got into a real conversation. She asked me to have lunch with her and I gladly excepted. Manda was there too, and she looked upset about it the whole time, practially eating nothing."

"She was jealous you were talking to her only friend, huh?" Armpit asked.

"I guess. I tried to be nice to her, but she looked pissed off no matter what I said. It took another few days of conversation before I found out that Laurie's mother had been killed by a drunk driver four years before and that she lived with her father. She didn't have any brothers or sisters, but I could tell by the way she talked about her Daddy, that things were bad with him.

"Later, I would learn that it was her father who was drinking and driving the night her mother died. He was cited for a DWI and charged with manslaughter, but they let him off on probabtion, probably because of Laurie losing her mother.

"We began to talk every chance we got at school, and I called her on the phone sometimes. We would eat our lunches outside, where we had privacy and the other kids weren't staring at us and whispering. I finally opened up about my life and told her about Daddy and Momma and all that stuff. Laurie was less open about herself. If I asked her a question, she'd looked away for a few seconds, maybe eat some of her food, then give me a short answer. I learn pretty fast what she'd talk about and what she wouldn't."

"What about Manda all this time?" Cavman asked. "Where was she?"

"She followed us sometimes, and she started being nicer to me. Laurie was still taking the time to hang out with her.

"And then, I finally got the nerve up to ask Laurie out on a date. It wasn't really a date I guess, but it was the first time a girl came by my house and we went out somewhere together."

"She had a car?" Magnet asked.

"Of course not, dummy. We were only fourteen!" I said, rolling my eyes.

"Oh yeah." Magnet grinned. "I forgot."

I rolled my eyes again. "No, we took the Big Blue Bus. You know, the poor person's limo." I added dryly. Zig smiled and Armpit snorted in laughter.

"Where did y'all go?" X-Ray asked.

"I don't know if you guys have ever been to Austin, but there's this little amusment park near the edge of the city. I asked Granny if I could go and Ronnie got all excited and I had to take him too, but that was another thing about Laurie. She didn't mind me bring Ronnie at all. In fact, I think she felt better about him coming. She was nervous about being alone with me, and she jumped at the chance to be more like a big sister than a girlfriend, I think.

"Of course, Ronnie ate it up. I laughed to myself the way he looked up to Laurie immeaditely, hanging on her words like she was one of his T.V heros or something. It occured to me that he didn't have a real mother around long enough to appreciate it, and he had no older sister or anything. I was okay as his big brother, but it was different having a girl coo over him. No wonder he was excited about the attention Laurie gave him.

"Taking Ronnie on the rides was fun for me and Laurie both. She insisted on paying for everything, no matter how much I protested. I felt bad, because I was the one who asked her out, and shouldn't I've been paying? But she knew we didn't have much money, and she claimed she had an account that her mother had put up for her, and for now, her father gave her a generous allowence, because she was responsible for buying the food and everything.

"We talked about we we'd do with our futures. I still had no idea, but she talked about enlisting in the Navy. Because her trust fund was secure, she knew she'd be alright for awhile.

"'And my Dad can't get his hands on it, either.' She told me. 'My Mom was smart enought to know that Dad wasn't giong to provide for us like he should, and she thought she'd be working her whole life just to make ends meet. She made sure I'd be alright.'

"At the fun park, she really seemed to be enjoying the look of excitment on Ronnie's face, at the thought of going from one ride to the next, of eating hot dogs and cotton candy, and playing the games in the arcade. I was having fun too. I won Laurie a stuffed penguin, that she named Alan. Then she won Ronnie a stuffed dog, and they got to laughing and playing.

"I guess after awhile, I was jealous."

"Jealous?" Zig asked, jumping on what I said. "Of what? Hot dogs and cotton candy and pinball machines?"

"No, not that stuff. Laurie seemed more excited about having fun with Ronnie then about being with me." I looked at Dr. Pendanski. He and I had discussed this before.

"Maybe she was just socially immature." Magnet stated. "You said she was shy."

"It wasn't that either." I replied quickly. "She never got to be a little kid like Ronnie was and have fun like this. She was having a vicarrey........vi........what's it called again, Mom?" I asked.

"A vicarious experience." Dr. Pendanski supplied.

"Yeah, that. She was doing things through Ronnie, things she never got to do when she was his age, and being the kid she wished she was."

"It amazes me how everybody's an analyst now days." Magnet muttered.

"Oh and I suppose you don't do that?" X-Ray attacked. "You don't try to analyze every little thing?"

"She was probably just shy." Magnet said, instead of answering the question. "Oh, what difference does it make what she was?!"

"Not much difference to you, but probably alot of difference to him." Zig said quietly, nodding his head towards me. When Magnet looked and saw it did matter to me, his expression changed.

"She ignored you the whole time?" He asked, his voice a little softer. "Some first date that turned out to be. Girls can be so aggravating."

"I didn't say she ignored me. She was into things with Ronnie more, that's all. I admit, I was jealous and wished she'd pay more attention to me, but I saw how much fun Ronnie was having and he hadn't had much fun in his till then, so I wasn't about to complain.

"Afterward, Ronnie sat on the ledge of this huge fountain and threw pennies in, and Laurie and I sat on benches near by, watching him.

"'Thanks for what you've done for my brother today.' I told her. She smiled a sad smile.

"'I know what it's like, growing up with a drunk as a parent."

"Your Daddy still drinks alot?" I asked. I knew how hard it was, being confronted with that question, but I wondered how her daddy could still drink after what had happened. Laurie laughed.

"Still drinks alot? Alan, you remember how you said that when you was a little boy, you thought that the smell of whiskey was your Mom's perfume?'

"'Yeah.....' I said, not sure where it was going.

"'Well, I grew up thinking that whiskey came out of the faucets. Sometimes, I still wonder if it does. What does it matter?' She asked quickly. "He'll die soon enough, and put himself out of his misery. Good riddence.'

"'You hate him?' I asked.

"Of course, I thought when she told me about her mother, she'd blame her father forever, but when she looked at me, and her eyes were full of anger, hatred, and sorrow.

"'I don't care enough about him to hate him.' She said. 'I don't think about him if I can help it.'

"'But you live in the same house.' I said. 'Don't you see each other every day?'

"Laurie snorted. 'We're more like two strangers that share a house than father and daughter. I'm up and outta there before he gets up for work and I've already eaten supper by the time he gets home.'

"'You cook for yourself?' I asked.

"'Yeah. The cook quit.' She was quiet for a moment, then said, 'He eats my food too, when he's actually home to eat.'

"'I can cook.' I told her proudly. 'My Granny taught me how. I'm not as good as her, but I'm close enough.'

"'I'm impressed.' She said, grinning at me. I laughed, then she laughed. Laurie had a nice laugh when she allowed it. It was like it was locked up in her heart, and he opened up the door a little and let the happiness breathe. I think sadness is like a disease. It makes you literaly sick."

Without a doubt, they can all understand that, I thought.

"Anyway, she turned to me and said, 'Why don't you come over for dinner tomorrow night? I make a mean frozen pot pie.'

"'Frozen? Some cook. I'll bring an apple pie.' I told her. She'd revealed to me that it was her favorite. 'Granny'll help me bake it.'

"Her eyes looked like Ronnie's when Ronnie had first set eyes on the fun park.

"'Really, Alan? You'll bring an apple pie and come?'

"'I don't say I'm gonna do something then not follow through with it.' I said, fixing my eyes on her.

"'Okay.' She said, smiling. 'Okay. It's a date.'

"'A date.' I replied.

I laughed, but it was more a happy laugh than anything. I was excited. It's funny, how something so small can give you so much hope." I muttered and reached for my water.

No one spoke. They were all watching me closely as I drank my water.

"Granny has a saying for hope." I continued. "She says hope is what you cast out like a fish line and hook, hoping to pull in some happiness, but if you cast it out to far or to often, the line'll snap and you'll watch it all float away."

"What's that suppose to mean?" Zig asked, arching his left eyebrow.

"It means if you spend all your time dreaming and hoping, you'll be disappionted. You've gotta work hard for happiness, and not expect it to come flaoting along and bite your hook." I answered.

Pendanski smiled.

"Maybe we should all be sittinig around with his grandmother." Magnet mumbled.

"It hasn't done Alan any harm." Pendanski said.

He tucked in the corner of his mouth. His eyes looked like they were tearing up. I suddenly realized something about him. He has nobody, I thought. He's truley on his own. That's it That's what makes him so mean and nasty sometimes.

Maybe he isn't so lucky after all.


End file.
